Financial Super Stack
For so long I wanted to be great for other people.
I thought if I would be excellent at something, virtuous or entertaining, then I would be invited into peoples lives and they would want to keep me there.
If I was wanted then I would feel loved.
Then finally I would be free from the deep sense of loneliness.
I knew from a conscious level this was a risky and empty endeavour.
But the sub-conciouse would move me in that direction convincing me that words or actions from others meant the apocalypse and I was about to be kicked out or my life would be made a nightmare for not being a 'good girl'.
Once my boss at a firm I was working at made a joke because I brought him a half full cup of tea- I honestly ruminated about it for days and made it mean that I was incompetent, and I would probably get fired.
When I was very young I was emotional abused by my Dads girlfriend at the time, she was mentally unstable, I would endlessly try and make myself small so she wouldn't see me and do everything 'right' so she didn't blow up. Of course no matter what I did she still was abusive because she was unwell.
I was a super sensitive kid before that, I could feel everything from all directions, I would cry if I stepped on a flower- and that's not a euphemism.
So this experience teamed with a best friend who would morph into a bully depending on her mood, heightened the craving for harmony, love and connection, I would wiggle and contort myself into I who thought I needed to be to avoid conflict and to win a place that felt stable in someones life.
Now I catch the stories that attach themselves to events, I still feel all the emotions, loneliness and sadness mostly, but I can see that they are only stories.
I question them, find holes in them and choose better feeling beliefs.
That practice meant that I was no longer so preoccupied with reading others with the objective of moulding myself to keep the peace.
That I was able to start to have uncomfortable conversations without being defensive or pre-empting the worse case scenario, which often meant I just never had the conversation.
It meant that I started to uncover who I was, rather than busing myself being a chameleon.
That I began to do it for myself first. And in that I actually became a truer expression of myself.
It didn't make me selfish, in fact I became more generous since I wasn't trying to hang onto others, and instead I learnt to trust myself, and they've I got myself.
With that I started to receieve love in a way I had no felt it before.
My relationships with my Mum, my friends, and in romance became incredibly deep.
I felt connected because I realised I am always connected, it's only clouds made up of stories that block us from this.
I decided that the world is benevolant, that it's for us, and those that hurt us do so because they are hurt- it's not personal.
Of course I have no idea if the universe is for us, but I do know that our believes shape the way we show up in the world, and I know that when I choose that I'm always supported my life gets better.
With that trust I instilled I allowed my soul to lead me.
I started to feel a fire burn within me, life run through me, I started to be more present.
I began to know things that I had never learnt.
Amazing clients came into my life.
An incredible man became my life team mate.
The feelings and the stories still come up, I still have doubts, I still cry when I feel others in pain as if it's my own, but I don't suffer from it anymore, I know that it's life living, that it's transient, and it's part of being alive.
I started to be great for myself.
I hope this encourages you to have some space in the heavy emotions, to get curious about the stories that come up, to be less reactive and more responsive in order to feel real connection, to be aware of where you are being lead from and to choose to be lead from love and possibility.
PS- This photo doesn't at all match the heartfelt message above but we uploaded it last night to my labels instagram page and I think we look great and the dresses look great and that's enough of a reason
PPS- I'm running a 5 day program on uncover soul purpose and genius, Cosmic Direction. When we follow our inbuilt compass the universe conspires around us to support us. It's only $111 and on Monday it goes up. We start Dec 11, you can jump on live or catch the recordings. No sales page for this one. Let me know if you'd like in via a DM and I'll send you the payment link