Love is for losers
"Everything can be taken away from you, except your intelligence" Dad said that to me when I was a teenager. I guess it was an attempt to affirm my new chosen identity of being a dedicated student which was fuelled by the realisation that I was in a coffin being slowly lowered into the ground of mediocracy. Recently I was reminded again of the importance of having an inner anchor. To get lost in love, but to know that you can never really get lost because you are always with yourself. What we hold dear is transient, it will dissolve, which is also what makes beauty beautiful, that it is not lasting. In my 20's I understood this, not consciously, but subconsciously, I knew that I had to trust myself, but that came at the sacrifice of not really allowing anyone else in because they would eventually let me down. So I grew a little harder, then my anchor would stay inside of my own walls, because if I was to grow fond of something outside of myself or lean on something outside of myself it would eventually be pulled out and I'd be left in a free fall. I'd become too soft & forget how to be my own anchor. A few times I made the 'mistake' to not arm my walls, and when I wasn't looking I softened and let something outside of myself deeply in. And at the glimmer of loosing that thing I'd quickly realise it's hold on me and kick the entire thing out of my life. I was deeply in love once, there was one moment where I interpreted that he did not love me as deeply as I loved him, so I broke up with him, for fear of being crushed. And I put myself again in this coffin, in it's safe walls. That was a long time ago, when I'd rather not love at all then risk the pain of loosing it. Now I want to loose myself in love, I see that's where I can really find myself. Isn't it beautiful to actually love enough to break? And to ultimately see that when we break we get to be put back together in a way that is more true to who we are. That we don't actually need to 'work' on having an inner anchor because it's always there, it lives within us, it's an intelligence beyond the mind and it's only a matter of realisation. Of course love is dangerous, of course getting attached is dangerous, of course relying on others for support is dangerous, but it leaves us more open to actually live life rather than as a detached by-stander. To love even if it's not reciprocated, to love even if you know it's short lived, because actually its infinite, it lives on forever beyond its physical incarnation.