Ramblings on the BS of 'do what you love'

I cringe when I say or think 'do what you love'...

And I say it & think it pretty often..

Why?

Is it because I wish I was wittier & a little cooler? That I get bored of myself saying & thinking the same shit over and over...

Is it because it feels like such a cliche?

Does it feel kind of simple and surface-level? Something quick to say so we don't need to look any further into the topic...

Do I cringe because I don't quite believe it to be that simple?

Perhaps because I don't know if it applies to everyone?

Fuck do I even have the right to say something that I'm applying to everyone? Isn't that very narrow of me?

I'll have to remember when I'm writing to bring it back to my experiences rather than saying 'you' or 'everyone'...or fuck it, I'll just write whatever words come out...

Do I really believe everyone is capable of making 'it' happen doing what they love?

To be totally honest....no I don't.

I do believe everyone has the potential, but I don't believe everyone is totally committed or willing, sometimes they are just fucking 'unlucky' but actually perhaps those that are 'unlucky' have come here to experience something requires them not to ever find or do what they 'love'.

To do what you love, has this narrow perception of a career, what we do for an income. I guess this is something instilled from medieval times, that the function we played in society was our identity, we were even given a surname that matched our trade...while this matching of our function to our identity is lesser now in terms of how we & others perceive us, it still exists...

Anyway back to the point, for this journal I want to focus on 'career' -at least for the next sentence, actually, I can't even promise that-

I remember deciding what to choose to study at university, I wanted so badly to 'love' some function for myself...love is probably the wrong word altogether...I wanted to be drawn...'do you what you're drawn to'...yes that feels better already...

Ok I wanted to be 'drawn' to something.

I was drawn to creating art, but I didn't want to be drawn to that because I wanted to make money...and I believed that suffered & art were synonymous, and that money only came once you were dead when someone found dusty paintings in a distance relatives garage...

I wanted to be drawn to medicine, or law, or finance...

because that matched the significance I wanted to feel by being seen as someone who had an air of importance & because I wanted something safe that would earn me clear income...

I was actually drawn to being a pilot, but at the time there was no option to put the course on a government loan & my parents weren't able to fund anything even remotely close to the cost...and I was not as resourceful as I am now, now I'm sure I'd find a way...

However, I remember yearning to want to be drawn to something that was convenient...

It was stressful to not be drawn to anything that seemed possible...

I think this saying of 'do what you love' actually can create a feeling of contraction of 'fuck, I don't know what I love'...some kind of shame that comes with not knowing...or even worse than not knowing is the subtle thought that says 'you don't know because there is nothing for you'

So even if you look, you will not find it...

Which ultimately means that the universe forgot about you, that you don't fit here, that you're a reject, that you're useless & you'll have to come back in the next life and you might be more lucky...

But until then...

You can pretend to do what you're drawn too....fuck I'm writing 'you' again, too bad, it's happening, I'm talking 'at' you, deal with it,....

Or you can do something that you can tolerate & express your disdain for it which helps you to hold it with more lightness because at least your being honest...

The idea of searching for what you're actually drawn to is so frightening, so you might as well just stay on the path you're on even though deep down you're lying to yourself about how you really feel or you know it's BS but you'll do it anyway...

OMG the pressure of it all!!

The pressure of getting it right...

I wrote let me give you permission to do something 'safe', but then I deleted it...

I'll get real honest here...

It's bullshit that you're hiding out, hiding behind safety & security, that's just an illusion...

If you don't know what you're drawn to- explore...

Maybe the exploring is in fact what you're drawn to..maybe you're never meant to find out...maybe that's actually your function, is to explore...

Maybe it so happens that you're drawn to a 'safe' function, awesome...but really, question is it a convenient coincidence? or are you just lying to yourself?

Maybe you have a family, responsibilities, bills to pay etc...I get it...do what you need to do...but put what you're drawn to from deep within your soul first, it will lead you to exactly where you're meant to go...do it on the side...wake up in the wee hours of the morning...

Or don't...and most people won't....instead they will carrying around this disappointment around in themselves...

I'm totally selfish in wanting this for you, I'd love to not get so pissed off with 70% of the world's population...but I guess then I'd have to come up with something else to write about...and yes it's my own triggers I know...

I'll circle back to the start, which is now the end...

You have permission to do whatever you want to do.....even if that means doing what makes you feel small & closed. I won't give you permission. But you can give yourself permission....

I'm only giving permission to connect with what you're drawn to, even be it the search of what you're drawn to- which is actually not really a search at all because the clues you're given is actually already the thing.

And I definitely give you permission to make money from what you're drawn to, even if it seems simple, or childish, or irrelevant...