Surrendering to anxiety & beautiful homes

There are these small moments that make up the story & momentum of the life you choose.

At the time it doesn't seem pivotal, but each moment is a note that makes up the song.

Life is made up of clusters of these moments. Each one creates the tone for the next.

What we do in a day, is what we are in a year.

I've heard Tony Robbins say a few times 'people overestimate what they can do in a year and underestimate what they can do in a decade'

I know for sure that sometimes I'll feel like rushing through these moments in a hurry to get to the next thing.

Like last night I was in a hurry to get to sleep, I felt the pressure of falling asleep so I could wake up in 8 hours and start the day. I had felt some anxiety during the day, a tightness in my stomach & heart, almost as if I was watching me live out the day rather than living it.

I've felt this before. I know not to fight it, to allow it, to surrender to it. But I felt total relief that it was sleep time so I could wake up 'fresh'. But the more pressure I put on myself to fall asleep the more awake I felt. At 4am this morning I still hadn't slept which is very unusual, but it happens. I decided to get up and start my day.

I allow it to not always be perfect, that sometimes it's not at all what I planned, but that it is what it is.

To move with it, because it's a moment I still get to be present & still get to live. There is no rush to feel well-rested, no rush to feel anything at all.

To let go of control of how it's all meant to be frees up the energy that's spent on resisting it.

So I can continue on living rather than resisting and thinking about how tired I am or whatever the story is.

I set an intention based on my desires because they were put inside of me to follow, then I let go of the HOW.

I trust that lack of sleep is part of the HOW, that things not going as expected is part of the HOW, that it's all part of the how and that the universe knows exactly how to take me to where I need to be.

It doesn't mean not taking action. It's about tunning into that frequency of the possibility and deciding to connect with.

Chris said something to me the other day that so rang true, he said 'worrying is like praying for the thing you don't want to happen; to happen'. That's tuning into the possibility of the worst-case & connecting to it.

It's not about ignoring the worst case, I actually write down what I'm worried about & write out the worst case. This tells my mind 'hey you don't need to worry or problem solve anymore, we are aware of it' and it's never even that bad. I mean even death is actually ok. It's often the fear of fear that's the most tormenting.

Recently I've been looking for a new home to stay in Koh Phangan, I'm used to Bali where the Vilas are beautiful & lush. Here it's more like concrete boxes & lime green sheets.

But I decided what I wanted- something modern with a homely vibe, a pool, nature & quiet.

But I don't just tune into the frequency and wait. I tune in and listen to the directions 'check this Facebook page', 'reach out to this person', 'check this place out'.

The thing is I got tested many times with places that were 'ok' but not quite right. This is because in the past I've flip-flopped between staying in places I love and staying in shit boxes. Staying in abundant homes is not quite normal for me yet, I still have a voice of lack inside of me that says 'stay at the cheaper place, use the money for more food' haha spending on food will clearly never be an issue for me. But I know this is the voice of lack because it's got that 'it's this or that' 'the pie is only so big'... so because I'm not totally solid in this I still get tested with 'ok' options.

Saying no to something that you know is not quite right even when it doesn't look like anything else is available is a way to raise the frequency to tune into that radio and get the exact directions to what you desire. The 'no' is almost like a switch of the radio station, and each time we say 'no' it will switch until it gets to the one that we actually are vibing.

But in saying that sometimes saying 'yes' to something that is 'not quite right' can be a helpful bridge if what we want seems really out of reach. So be discerning here.

I said 'no' to many home options this time around, and I knew yesterday when I woke up that 'today is the day my home finds me'. I even wrote out those words in my diary.

It was not a straight forward path to find this place & get a booking to look at it. I literally followed the 'pings' by tunning into the frequency to lead me there. When I arrived the owner straight away asked if I had gone to Gipplsaland Grammar because she had some friends from there. Straight away we connected. She hadn't rented it out to anyone yet because she didn't gel with anyone who had come to look at it and she was very particular about who stays in it.

I didn't even need to look around I just knew this was the one and it found me. Good vibes all around and particularly when there is synchronicity involved with some type of unexpected connection that we had.

These small moments where we make these choices about what feels like high self-worth & what feels like settling creates the tune for our life.

The more we choose to surrender to the resistance while connecting to this frequency then the more easily we call into fruition what we desire.

I didn't come from a financially wealthy family, I've never been given money by my parents other than for necessities in high school and birthdays. While I know they would have loved to have supported me financially it was not in their sight of possibility.

For me being able to choose a beautiful home to live in feels almost surreal, it's definitely was not normal for me to stay in these types of places.

Even when I started to make money I had a lot of trouble spending it on things like this- clothes & partying was much easier for me to spend money on. I'd find somewhere to live with super cheap rent, it wasn't that I didn't value it, it was that I didn't feel worthy yet. I lived in share houses until my late 20's, I actually grew up living in a share houses with Mum!

So here is to a new normal.

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