Survival is a distraction
The stillness. The quiet.
Nothing really seems important, not because I don't care, and not because I don't have treasures in my life, in fact I have such treasured treasures it's of the upmost importance that I don't put stakes on it so it continues to be true & free.
I have pretty much all of it and I no longer feel like I need to survive.
Survival gives an important focus, it makes things matter, it makes you dig deep even when you're on the floor with nothing left to give, you have to keep going. It gives you purpose, the purpose to survive.
But this purpose is rudimentary, it's a distraction.
It gives a strong motivation, but motivation is easy when it feels like survival.
Of course there are people in the world who are literally fighting for their lives, I'm not talking to them, I don't know anything about that and don't pretend to know.
I only know the synthetic version of that, and I used it to make myself feel more alive by pushing myself close to preverbal 'death'.
Which wasn't close to death at all. It was quite melodramatic.
Not having enough money to pay for rent, pushing myself physically to the point of self-harm, leaving almost impossible deadlines for work & study.
The adrenaline and the focus on 'surviving'.
It allowed me to fuel action, I let things get so 'dire' that I had no space to focus on anything other than that. I made it feel like life & death.
That why I ran long distances, it made me feel more alive. I once ran for 24 hours non-stop in the mountains, no sleep, only a few short rests to eat. I got to the stage where I peed in my pants because it felt like too much effort to stop & pull them down. I liked that.
I liked that I had to survive.
That I had something pushing me.
Now I have no 'survival' pushing me. I live a very comfortable life. I have everything.
So when nothing is pushing me, what fuel do I have for continued expansion?
Without a fire to put out will I just become soft, lazy & loose all resilience to actually fight a fire when it comes along because I'm so out of practice?
It requires a conscious decision to get connected. In comparison it requires way more awareness, it requires a delicacy and a prescion that is not required when putting out fires. It's a sharpening of the self on a whole new level.
It's a walk towards turn-on, rather than a running to survive.
It's a different pace, a different cadence.
It's much more still.
It has less heat, heat can feel like motivation, but it's unconscious motivation, keeping us only above water, forget about anything beyond that.
Don't confuse heat as the turn-on, as divine purpose, survival mode keeps you on the hamster wheel and out of the genius zone.
Action out of turn-on rather than survival comes from a command & knowing. It's precious. It's one cut.
It might look fast, it might even look like a lot on the outside, but inside it's still, it's timed.
In survival mode the inside is fast, and from the outside it looks heavy & slow, the results are far & in between and feel like 'hard work'.
The great thing about loosing all the 'things' is that you realise it actually is not necessary for survival anyway, you know you can 'loose' them again and you'll be ok. When you stop putting stakes on it all you can fly.
It doesn't matter if it happens or not, because survival doesn't depend on it. Survival is not even a thought. The turn-on & the art become survival.
I know I can scratch myself out of the dirt, I know I can fight when my backs up against the wall. But that type of fuel for growth is no longer part of my life, it's exhausting, it brings inconsistent results & peace. It gives little space for conscious challenges and creation born from within.
It felt like I got to know myself when fighting.
But it's in the stillness & perfection of life when the waters are calm that I can really see my reflection. That I really get to know who I am.
The perfection can be unbearable, because there are no distractions, nothing to hide from.
Creation is no longer from necessity but it comes from nothing.
That's the genius actually. To create from nothingness.
It's not inspired, it's not from motivation, it's not from survival, it's from the inner un-explored infinite well connected to source.
That's where it really begins.
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