The darkside..

The dark- a place I've had moments of ecstasy with, a place that I've had unbearable fear, a place of unknown... I spent 4 days & 3 nights in a 3*2m hot mud hut in the middle of the jungle in total darkness, alone, in silence...I'm talking total darkness, the kind of dark that you cannot even see your hand right in front of your face... This place literally looks like a dungeon, the toilet was a squat toilet, the shower is a toilet hose, the bed was a mattress on the floor...check out my Instagram stories for the video... So why the hell would I do such an atrocious thing and leave my Queendom of luxury? I cannot tell you exactly why...but I just heard the calling from my core... & it was strong...so I messaged the guy who owns the hut and said I needed to start tomorrow. And I did... I've always been like that I make decisions quickly, when I know, I know...the day I decided to change high school and move a few hundred kilometres away to live with my Dad was the same day I actually did it. I think I did it because I just wanted some stillness, some silence, I wanted to see what else was there that the light was blinding...I wanted to know the parts of myself that I was afraid to look at... I'm honestly afraid of going insane, of losing touch with reality, of seeing everything as pointless & a total sham, of having an existential crisis which I have had a taste of and I'm so afraid of going back there. I'm afraid of evil, violence, suffering, disease, cruelty. I'm afraid of it within myself. I'm afraid of being a bad person, of being a bad friend/lover/mentor. I'm afraid of losing my beauty, losing my magnetism & desirability. I'm afraid of being stupid, of being a silly little girl. I'm afraid of whats deep within me....I'm afraid that there is nothing there. So I went into the dark... the dark is a place where light is born... It's true that light can be blinded, by the constant stimulation, by the pleasures of this privileged life I live...this is also why I fast, it's why I run incredibly challenging distances, it's why I do shit that's hard, to bump up against the dark... Mum said to me once 'without the dark we would never see the stars'.. But this time there was no bumping up against it, I was engulfed by it...I felt it's heaviness right in my face, as soon as the door shut my heart started racing...it's ok, it's ok to be uncomfortable, it's ok not to see, it's ok not to know... I started to see in different ways, with feel, with intuition...I started to feel in my body when it was day time & when it was night time... At night a new vibrance kicked in, I was totally wired, it was the resonance with the dark hut & the dark night...I felt as if the walls had come down...then the visions started to kick in, wild, detailed visions, of other realms, other lifetimes...I didn't know this before but being in the dark can kick off DMT, and I was on a trip... Time no longer mattered. Food was delivered at 12 once a day silently from a dear sister on the island through a double door...mono fruit and a salad...I ate the fruit when it arrived & the salad when the fruit had fully digested, not because of what time it was... I set myself mini goals each day- 1000 star jumps & mini workouts...but most of the time I just lay on the mat on the concrete floor looking... Looking at what? The lights. The inner lights...I started to see light everywhere, even my body had a glow to it... I saw that I didn't need a switch to turn the light on, that I had light inside of me... The darkness is a power that's what I didn't understand before. Although I do shadow work myself & with clients (I have a whole program on this), I didn't realise how much power comes from embodying ALL these aspects of self that I reject... To be totally honest with you, one of them is that I don't like most people...when one of my mentors shared why she does what she does she said 'because I love people'... Straight away I felt guilty for not sharing this... I want to like people. But most people annoy me, most people I'm just not really interested in...of course, the friends I attract and the kind of clients I attract are my people and I enjoy them, but 90% of the outside world I'm just not interested in hanging out with. Permission to not like most people, permission to not engage with people I don't want to engage with, for no reason other than I don't feel like it. Permission to be fully me. And I give you permission to be fully you, since most people I speak to are trying to be 'better' people... Those things you think you should change about yourself? Fuck it, embrace it, it's sexy, it's magnetising... The dark is not concerned with fakery...it's not concerned with perfection, it's not concerned with an image. We didn't come here to be positive, and while I'm all for connecting to the vision & the perspectives that benefit us. Only being positive all the fucking time is just one-sided, pretending to be nice, to be perfect, to be put together? A battery has both a negative & a positive, and that is one force. By itself it's useless, you need both sides to power... In the full power where it's al embodied, we have totally transcend duality.... there is not positive & negative, no dark & light, it's all just one mother fucking force...