Whose Template Of A 'Successful' Relationship Are You Following?
If you've been following me for a while you might know that last year my partner and I (of 5 years) decided to change the dynamics of our relationship structure. In the past, I had fallen into romantic relationships with an expectation based on a Disney movie education. That a 'successful' relationship is exciting naturally, full of passion, fun, kindness and, of course, monogamy - and the type of monogamy where you don't even think about being with someone else. Then, of course, after a few years (or days ;p), when things wouldn't go as I expect, I'd start fantasising about being with other people and being disappointed with the person I was with. Like "oh, this person isn't right for me because the spark is gone" or "I'm interested in someone else" or "they don't understand me", or "they are not kind enough", or "this is boring AF", etc. Not understanding that a relationship works only if I work on it, and if I'm feeling bored, uninspired, undervalued, I must awaken those aspects in myself through myself and then bring that into the relationship. It's up to me, not them. It's very easy and effortless for me to fall in love, but it takes discipline, internal work and practice to stay in deep-romantic-love. And, for sure, you can grit through a relationship and stick it out with this bullsh*t about a long term relationship being like a business partnership. But that's not for me, I want the juicy passion and excitement. I know that it's possible to have after 1, 5, 15, even 50 years! But it takes practice, it doesn't just happen if the stars align, you've got to align the damn stars. The second thing is who the fuck made these rules that a relationship must look a certain way? That to be committed means shutting off to the opposite sex completely? So after considering these questions together, we decided to design our own container based on what felt expansive, truthful and supportive to us at the time. We opened up our relationship allowing other people in romantically. Wow, what a fucking experience. It brought up all my insecurities that are easy to hide when I created all these rules and restrictions and didn't communicate deep desires and fears. But you know what it also created? A container to explore each other much more deeply, we had no choice but to communicate, to learn to listen and be a safe place for the other person. To learn that love, lust, inspiration is abundant... even when these feelings are triggered in your lover by someone other than you. It only takes away from your relationship if you allow jealousy to take over, and in fact, jealousy does the opposite to what you want, it repels. If you choose to see love and passion as abundant, a trigger for your partner's pleasure, inspiration and love is a gift for everyone. It can cycle back into your relationship and you also get to reap the expansiveness of it. Side note: it didn't always go down like this, there were A LOT of tears and interactions coming from the wounded toxic side of me. It reminded us that we get to choose each other every moment, that we never own each other, and we can at any moment decide to end our relationship, we are never 'stuck', we are always free. We got to explore and design our own container, rather than being told 'this is how it must look otherwise it means you don't really love each other or you are not right for each other'. I wonder how many relationships, businesses, health endeavours fall apart based on the feeling that 'this person, career, the training plan is not for me'? When, in fact, it may just be the container that is not the right fit at this moment and when redesigned, it may actually be fucking incredible. After 6 months in an open relationship, we decided to move to monogamy. We were both totally relieved to shift to this dynamic. But this time it felt different. The experience had deepened our understanding of and appreciation for each other. It reminded us to work on us every day. We have a relationship coach, we talk about our intentions, our vision, our relationship fears, we even talk about being attracted to other people without it meaning anything about our love and commitment to each other. We choose our own container, and it may change again in the future. I choose truth, even when it's hard because to me this is really living, to taste all the flavours of ourselves, of each other and of life. Sometimes I still go back into a place where it seems easier to just not say it, to pretend I don't feel it, but then I remember that I owe it to myself and to my man to be open and honest, otherwise silence and un-truths can create a surface level resentful business partnership. I deeply honour and love the sexy, wild, intelligent, generous and compassionate man I get to choose everyday.
What a ride, honey, I love doing life with you. Freya