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  • Writer's pictureFreya Savage

You're not actually going to post this rambly shit are you Freya?

Sometimes I forget who I am. I just can't be fucked with any of the things that used to turn me on. People annoy even more than usual. I feel disconnected from the physical world. I grasp at stories, memories, knowledge, something, anything to remind myself of who I am. To pull me back into 'life'. But none of it feels quite right, none of it lands. It just slides off like a juicy piece of aloe vera, leaving a small trail but nothing significant. I get caught up in needing to be someone, for someone, for something. But I can't grab onto anything, nothing sticks, I stick nowhere. None of it feels right. I'm over writing, I'm over my own voice, I'm over my work. It all sounds so self-indulgent and that writing this is too. The voice of judgment is so loud. You're not actually going to post this rambly shit are you Freya? I wonder if I fuel these moments to give me something to bump up againts? something to 'come back' from? I create these spaces that feel like a cell, but at least in a cell I know that there is something past the cell walls, this is like an infinite cell, where there is nothing past the walls so what's the point in even entertaining breaking out? My friend once said to me 'you're the most put-together person I know'. Jesus. We are all fucked then. It would be much easier to be together and light all the time. But it's one dimensional, it's kind of like the positive thinking strategy. There is so much power in the dark, in the grey and in the light. The whole spectrum is where we find the truth. When we find truth, we find liberation. It's not something that can be verbalised, not something that can be held onto. It seems so difficult to function in the 3D world when we are swimming around in our own void. There is nothing wrong with you when you cannot connect, you're fucking upgrading, you're in another dimension. Of course it's all going to feel unclear, uncertain, even boring and blah. Of course you'll want to cling on to something. But it's safe to let that shit go, let it all go. All the stories, the trying to figure it out, even the 'seeking', because it's already right here. Just let the dust settle and you'll see again. These are not cell walls, this is not desert & baron, it's space for play.

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