Your genius doesn't want you to try harder
The people with the greatest potential are the ones who struggle to follow the rules.
It's not that they want to be rebellious.
They do not try to rebel.
They actually try to follow the rules. They tried to follow them at school, at home, at work, in relationships.
They wonder 'why is it so fucking hard for me to follow through with this?'
They sit their asses down and they do the things because that's how results happen.
I did this most of my life.
Until I couldn't bear it anymore, then I 'rebel' and end up blowing it up.
I'd think something was wrong with me and go back to following the rules, until the cycle repeated itself.
At school & university I'd get the same message 'Freya is inconsistent'.
I'm pretty resilient, way above the average. And it's the resilience that I used to fuel myself to get it 'right'. The high distinctions, long-term relationships, competitive running, making money ect.
But I couldn't sustain it.
Eventually I'd tear down the walls, then I'd be left thinking 'why the fuck did I tear down the room?' and desperatly try to put these pieces of debris back together to form some kind of structure.
I thought if I just have more resilience then I'd be able to sustain it.
So I pushed harder.
Until I could not breath. I gave myself exercise induced asthma and heart palpitations. 'I don't need the breath, it only slows me down'.I felt satisfied when I peed blood after a run, and when all my toenails had fallen off this was a great prize.
Until I wished cancer on myself. I sat at my desk, trying to resuscitate any light within myself, but it was only smoke. 'Let me have cancer, not so much that I die, but enough so I can escape this jail'.
I couldn't bear to do anything slowly because that really felt like a slow death, so I would only take action when I had deadlines. I'd stay up all night during exam periods and cram an entire semester of mathematics & economics into a 16 hour non-stop period. When I had a work deadline I'd give myself the smallest window to actually complete it. The only thing that could really fuel any fire was the anxiety of time pressing against me.
I bought all the business programs from the business Greats, I actually made my way through some of these, but most were left unfinished. I even implemented a lot of the stuff I learnt. And then I couldn't bear to even look at my business, it felt so tainted, so cheesy, so artificial.
My day was so structured, so routined, I had EVERYTHING in my calendar, every 10 min block had something in it. Even my morning routine had no space to move in it. I had a drill sergeant in my head, because if you want to feel something, if you want extraordinary, you need to work for it, and you need to follow structure & rules.
That's what weak people use an excuse to give up, and that's how the mundane is born.
What I didn't know was that the part of me that blew it all up, that tore down the walls, was the part that would lead me to the unimaginable.
Because she has no walls.
She does not need to make space, because she has infinite space.
She does not need to complete anything, because completion is irrelevant, it's only the experience that has any substance.
It doesn't mean she does not 'complete' anything, because that might be part of the experience, but there's no rating system on the outcome.
She might still run until her toenails fall off, but not because she is trying to get to the destination, but because she enjoys the experience.
She might make a lot of money, well of course she does, but it's not the outcome, it's not because she needs it, even if she had no money she would still not 'need' it. It's for playing the game itself.
She might create & sell, but it's for the art, not to hear the critics review, not to see the responses from the people, but because she wants to be in the act of creating. Then it's done, it's let go of, it goes into the gallery owned by someone else, and she never even enters into it, she never asks what people say about it, she is already onto a new piece.
She is not trying to be rebellious, because that would mean having the 'rules' in her vicinity and using them to create juxtaposition, using them to inspire by doing the opposite.
She doesn't even look at these, they are of no value, of no importance.
She plays her own game & accesses places far beyond where she could access when she was trying to play by the games of others.
When I find myself in boredom, frustration, thinking 'why cannot I not just stick to this?'...I let her blow it up.